Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
