i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
