so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
