Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
40s are totally the cure
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
