the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Nicole vs. Life
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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