im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
