Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
