Kiss
Puke
she woke up with a sticky ear
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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