Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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