I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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