i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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