we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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