i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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