i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
