Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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