i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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