whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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