I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
