There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
