i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
