Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
