Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
