I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
