His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We smell like vodka and hangover
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