ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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