did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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