I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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