There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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