Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
