you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
