i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My liver just broke up with me...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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