I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
