Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father