I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.