He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
