dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
