I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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