she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
