living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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