Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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