his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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