JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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