Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
