i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
