my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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