So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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