Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
