I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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