I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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