I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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