I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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