so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Operation Purity has been aborted
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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