The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
