doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
