so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
