piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
