I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
