cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
