I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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